Godspeed, you bitch.

So, this is Victoria's Secret supermodel Miranda Kerr. This picture was taken yesterday morning on November 7th, 2012 at 11:00am in Santa Monica, Ca. Miranda had a son with actor Orlando Bloom about 13 months ago.

Just. Goddamn.

Screw you, Miranda Kerr and Godspeed, you bitch

Oh? Okay!

Time and money. The two greatest illusions of the mortal coil.

I have a new discovery. And it is truly of the "eureka!" variety. There are two answers to almost 82% of the questions we are asked every day.

To be fair, what led me down this road has been my tireless effort in reasearching a way to get another $20 bill in a hundred dollars, but that's on the back burner for now (and possibly another blog post - feel free to weigh in. Help a sistah out!)

Anyway, by my estimate the answer to almost 82% of life's questions can be answered with one of these two replies, "About 40 bucks" and "10-15 minutes".

Think about it. Here is list of questions that can be answered with the forty dollar answer:

"I love those new shoes! How much were they?"
"I bought girls scout cookies, but I didn't spend too much."

"We all met up at Beer Depot for drinks, but I didn't stay very long"

You with me so far?

Next, a list of questions that can be answered with my 10-15 theory:

"Oh hey, I woke up a little late, but I'll be there soon"

"I want to drive downtown to that new boutique, how long will it take? I'm on lunch."

"Holy cow, I'm hungry! When is dinner??"

The really strange thing about this idea, is that it speaks to what we are willing to give. If something I have to do takes more than 10-15 minutes that task starts to loose it's luster a little bit.

I am willing to start a garden, with the careful forethought that this project will have to be nutured. I actively and happily accept that raising my kids, builing a house or watching a film takes time. That time is born of our natural reserves, desire and instict.

But if I am asked to sit through a conference call, an oil change or a trip to the bank that takes more time than this? I am lost. Where time is concerned we must somehow instinctively know what our limits are.

Money? That's a whole other beast. The worst part is that it's a beast who feeds a beast.

Money is nothing but illusion. To cut to the quick of it yes, money is power. But let's make no mistake of it, money is something most folks worry about, and that simple (albeit esoteric) truth is that worrying about money drains our power.

For most folks who will read this blog, we get by with more than what we need. When confronted with dire straits financially, the more enlightened of ourselves find that we are luckier than most folks in the world. Forget the world. We are more lucky than most of the folks who live in our same county.

For this reason I believe the answer "about 40 bucks" suits so many of us. It's what we're willing and able to spend. We can justify no more than $40 for a pair of shoes. We can justify $40 dollars when we need to take our kids to the doctor (damned co-pay), $40 is what we'll spend happily, freely on a night out with a good friend.

"About 40 bucks" covers so much of our life that is has become a surprising catchprase of our middle class lives:

"I only spent $40 bucks on this dress"
"He and I had such a great pizza dinner tonight, together."
"I took the kids to Target and I got most of what they really need for school."

It's a blessing when we have to have our $40 to share with family or friends, and I propose we spend no more than 10-15 minutes on anything we don't want to do.

The trick is to make sure to keep these measurements in perspective.

Waitaminute . .. ..When the hell did THAT happen?

I love music. No, really I LOVE music. So when Louisville's own Forecastle Festival was boasting some really great acts I decided that I would finally submit and get tickets for two days of the three day event. Full disclosure, I got free tickets through the Maker's Mark office - we were a sponsor.

So, I bailed on Saturday and the Smashing Pumkpins and opted for Sunday, She and Him and the Flaming Lips. The deal was further sweetened when I called my friend Maggie Jones who said that they were on their way out the door for Forecastle and yes, I could have a ride.

Smuggling in 6 "mini" bottles of Gallows white wine (that Maggie, always thinking) is always a breeze when you're over thirty and have clean-ish hair. So our evening was off to a great start. $2 cups of ice and we were definitely on our way. Then I took a look around.

As I scanned the crowd I realized that I had left my lip ring, lucky dreadlock, hula-hoop, and inner bliss at home. Damn, I knew my purse felt a little light. The funny thing about it as I took another long gulp of wine (most of the kids wandering around the shakedown were carrying beers) I realized that the kids I was looking at were me just a few short years ago.

I realize this makes me sound like a codger, but for cryin' out loud I'm only 33. Why was I having so much disconnect? Why were these tanned and toned abs, purple striped hair and bangle bracelets making me so uncomfortable? I used to be cool, dammit!

So anyway, we stepped into a side stage event featuring "Cirque Beserk" from LA and the promised weirdos trotted out for choreographed trampoline bouncing. A contortion act appeared, as did a gal who hung from 40 foot curtains, tying them around different bodily joints and for 8 minutes she artfully, gracefully, simultaniously flew and fell through the air.

I don't guess I have to be so weird that I have to join a runaway circus made up of ex D&D junkies who live in their father's basement and ex strippers who are yoga teachers Monday through Friday, but there I had it.

These circus folk, like the dreadlock girls and men in guadalupe pants and Hempseed hats all had "real jobs", like me. I wasn't too old for this weekend event, I was just apparently just having an issue with letting my inner weirdo out. As I looked again at the hippie girls I remembered that I used to have tanned, toned abs, purple hair and an unsteady grasp on reality, but now I'm in a different stage of my life. Again, full disclosure: my grip on reality is still a little dodgy.

It may have been only 10 years ago that I was "those girls", but it felt like a lifetime ago. And as we walked around I felt a little sad that "Young Emily" and her carefree, drifting ways were sort of gone. Today I might not hulahoop at the festival, but I used to. And I've got my own groove going and I'm happy with that.

What made me happier? Realizing that "Team Drealock" had no idea that in the blink of an eye they would work their desk job and reminisce about being "Young Stacy", "Young Amanda", or more likely "Young Diva-Bliss Stafire".

Don't blink, my dream-chasing friends! One love! Jah Rules! Stir it up! Don't trust anyone over 30!

Party like a rock star today, fax like your life depends on it in 10 years.

Oh yeah - it's ON!

I have noticed the slow, steady, boiling supermarket war between Lavender and Pomegranate over the last 2 years and I have recently found myself a one-woman Sweden in their battle for supremecy.

For the last eight years I noticed that everything I purchased contained "a hint of lavender". Everything from window cleaner to dishwashing packets, laundry cleaner to greeting cards contained "a hint of lavender". Not to mention the soaps, lotions, diapers and trash can liners that also carried the "with a hint of lavender" flag.

Cut to 2008; a new era was dawning and "Pomegranate" was making a charge up the hill. "Pomegranate!" screamed at me from every aisle of the local grocer - again the soaps, lotions and juices tempted me with their new ideals - "anitioxidants", "flavor" , "Omega-3" (really? wtf?) and yes, even "super food!" Pomegranate had launched the first grenade in the war on flavors and scents. Green apple made a feeble attempt in 2006, but no one took green apple seriously. In the end, I think green apple was too forward, no seduction in the scents and flavors fight. Green apple came cloying and desperate like so many impotent stalkers (case in point; lanolin, honey, raspberry) I mean c'mon. When you go to the grocery, do you buy green apples?!? Yeah, you buy honey - every 8 months!

No, "pomegranate" was the new "It girl" in Safeways, Wal-Marts and Krogers across the land.

Trying to be non-commital, I made selections for "pumpkin" scented dish detergents and I toyed with "Aloe" mouthwashes, made purchases for the old stand-by "Lemon" scented detergents. "Lemon" is always a solid bet, would never get you in trouble and it sure as heck wouldn't feed those beastly marketing pukes who lived under the P&G or SE Johnson encampments. Lemon is too obvious. No, lemon has always been above it all. You can't touch lemon!

In the end, despite it's inability to become a flavor, my money's on lavender. Lavender is the new Pine/Lemon - inedible on it's own, yet intoxicating.

Trusty lavender will take her place on grocery shelves next to all the other "johhny-come-lately" smells that assault our senses as we try to find our way to the frozen foods section. Heck, for a while there it looked like Kiwi was going to make a good go of it ("kiwi, have you met "green apple?") - I laugh in your face!

To get down to it, lavender is the new lemon. End of story. Pomegranate will likely usurp Acai's position as the cream of the flashy new crop of market-ready offerings, once the dust has settled. Where does that get you, exaclty? A one-way ticket to nowhere baby!

If you see any new upstarts, be sure to let me know. I'll be sure to find their proper place in the smelly, flavorful heirarchy we all seem to live in these days.

The Rolling Stones-She's So Cold -HQ

The Blah Blah Blah Blog's house band

Can't Keep A Good Nation Down

Please visit my friend Clay's blog to read what he wrote about our amazing country.

http://fatclay.com/

I couldn't have said any of it better than Clay. Happy 4th!

Fool's Paradise

Occasionally, I feel like Mrs. Nathan Arizona, as described by Holly Hunter's character "Ed" in the cult classic, "Raising Arizona".

"HI, you heard what she said, you know they got more than they can handle"

Sometimes I feel like I have more than I can handle. The strange thing is that it doesn't do anything to curb my baby fever.

I'll say this up front (in my husaband's defense) - my children are blind, raging lunatics; as quick with a hug as they are a foot to the face. They talk incessently. They demand juice, and MORE JUICE. They stay up late, stealing the few and far between moments that Britt and I share, encroaching further and further into our "us" time.

Britt says he doesn't wan't anymore children because he is looking forward to us having some time for ourselves. I tease him that he is searching for a fool's paradise.

He thinks that once the boys are out of diapers and off the bottles that our lives will somehow re-normalize and it will again be just the two of us. Pffft! I say, once the guys are out of diapers our whole lives will be nothing but football practice, group dates to the movies, birthday parties at the bowling alley and more running around than what we did with any of our newborns.

The simple fact about child rearing is that the "good days" are the early days. Kids demand and require more time and effort (and driving!) as time goes on. Those late night strolls around the nursery will pale in comparison to the late night phone calls from teenagers asking for a ride home from the party.

All that being said, why not add another body to the mix? If you never stop worrying about your kids then having another one could/might/hopefully bring you more joy to the family.

I don't know. Maybe I just have baby fever.

Maybe we should just get a puppy.